[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books,

"Titanic" and "My Life" by Bill Clinton.



One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!


His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99
Clinton:...... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:.... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:....... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:...... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:....... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:........ Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:.... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:...... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
Ø We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
Ø War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Ø I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."
Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Ø I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.
Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

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Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to perform and gets depressed.

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of
'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ..... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' .... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?'

The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get it up.'

The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

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The first grade class comes in from recess.

Teacher asks Sarah, "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'Sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked lamington."

She does and gets a lamington.

Teacher asks Marty what he did at recess.

Marty says, "I played on the swings."

Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Swing" correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked lamington."

Marty does, and gets a lamington.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Marty, but they threw rocks at me."

Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination.

If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a fresh baked lamington."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Biology Exam..





I flunked my Biology exam last Friday...


I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.


Apparently, ' Aboriginals' and 'Boat People' were not the correct answers.

[Capt Crash Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Capt Crash]

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Pub Quiz!

I feel stupid. ops:



I lost the pub trivia quiz on the last question last night.

The question was, "Where do woman have the curliest hair?"




Apparently, the answer is "Fiji." :P

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A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”


'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.



“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”


Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”


She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.



The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

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Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of
The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are
authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State
Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,

"Excellent trade, sir."

[TheGilletts Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close TheGilletts]

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why did the sleepy lizard cross the road??

To see his flat mate..




If Every dog has it's day... What does a dog with a broken tail have???

A weakend

[Melbo Member Find all posts View Profile Close Melbo]

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A lion was getting married. At his wedding was a mouse shouting away and congratulating the lion, "All the best, my brother. Good luck."
Seeing the mouse shouting away claiming that the lion getting married is his brother, another Lion grabs the mouse in anger and asks: "Who the hell do you think you are? How can a lion be your brother? You are only a mouse."
The Mouse replies: "I, too, was a Lion before I got married."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never
failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class.
That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor
and no one would be rich, a great equaliser.
The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class". All
grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one
would fail and no one would receive an A....

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The
students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little
were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied
little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they
wanted a free ride too so they studied little.The second test average was a
D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and
name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the
benefit of anyone else.

To their great surprise...They all failed, and the professor told them that
socialism would also ultimately fail, that reward is great, the effort to
succeed is
great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or
want to succeed.

Don't forget the most famous Russian saying "They pretended to pay us.... We
pretended to work."

Could not be any simpler than that. (Please pass this on) Remember that
there is a test coming up. The next election!

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

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It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is belting down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk,
telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.

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A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you
will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll down...









'You got Male!

[Capt Crash Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Capt Crash]

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Sitting together on a train were a Pom, an Aussie, a old Greek lady and a young large breasted blond.

The train goes thru a tunnell, darkness, and a loud slap could be heard.. the train emerges from the tunnell and the Pom has a bright red hand print on his cheek. ops:

The old Greek lady thinks, "the Pom must have groped the Blond in the dark and she slaped him".

The Blond thinks, "the Pom must have tried to grope me but missed, fondled the old Greek lady and she slaped him".

The Pom thinks, "the Aussie must have groped the Blond and she tried to slap him, but missed him and got me".

The Aussie thinks, "I cant wait for another tunnell just so I can smack that Pom again".
:twisted:

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Christmas Cake Recipe


Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs

* Nuts
* 1 bottle wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.

Bingle Jells !