[OT] Jokes page

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Paddy went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

Paddy said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'

Paddy left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

Paddy replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'



Mary a very religious young Irish woman went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

Mary said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

With a puzzled look Mary asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that big smile off of your face.'



Paddy was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..'

The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

Paddy replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'



Old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Old man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'



Paddy an eldery Irishman goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says proudly.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says Paddy. 'How much do I owe you?'

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A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room..

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

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The Supreme Court has today ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the Australian Capital this Christmas season!
They went on to say that this decsion was not due to religious reasons.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Canberra.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was, however, no problem finding enough donkeys to fill the stable.

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A young couple wanted to join the local church. The priest tells them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month to show your commitment. ' I'll check on you every week. The couple agrees.

After the first week the priest drops into see how they're going. "Well it's difficult but we're managing by sleeping in separate rooms," the husband says. The priest is pleased.

He stops by the second week. "It's getting harder" the husband says, "so we just go for long walks."

The third week sees another visit. "It's tough going but we're hanging in there by doing a lot of gardening ," he says. The priest is impressed.

But when he comes around the fourth week the couple are terribly ashamed. "What happened?" the priest demands.

"Well we were getting so frustrated we decided to redecorate the house, you know just to keep our minds off the loving.' the husband explains.

"But then the wife knocked over the paint can and just seeing her bending over like that to pick it up I just lost control and we were at each other like demons."

"Well;" the priest says, "In that case I'm afraid you aren't welcome back in our church"

The husband replies, "And we aren't welcome back in Bunnings either!"

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A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert ..

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess
tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post
and no women.Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges',
so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants
down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

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Please, take care of yourself this Christmas. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by a***holes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and sh*t like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents. This message is sent by someone who cares about your wellbeing.

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The other day a mate rang the phone of Ricky Ponting as he wanted to talk to him.
the phone was answered by Ricky's wife. My mate said "can I speak to Ricky please"
Ricky's wife said "sorry he is out batting at the moment"
My mate said "that's OK, I'll hold"

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> BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER:
>
> Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive
> woman.
> He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a
> moment.
>
> The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
> 'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was
> just testing it..'
>
> The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
> ''What's so special about it?'
> The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me
> telepathically.'
> The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
>
> Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
> The woman giggles and replies
> 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
>
> The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
> ' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

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A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the
bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees
and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

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What do you call an Australian cricketer with 100 runs next to his name on the scoreboard........................................ ...




















A bowler :roll:

Cheers Andrew

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AIDS WARNING !


To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this email is especially for you......... ....


SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!



HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

GARDENING AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Not forgetting HIV
(Hair is Vanishing)

and AIDS: Acute income deficiency syndrom





I'm only sending this to my 'old' friends.
I love to see you smile.
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

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The Fifties


1950s version of an E-Mail
I have no idea who put this together, but it is wonderful!!

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan , or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me,

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.

We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn..

We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz , and no one's seen him since.

We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon , Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice..

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet, in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis ;was forever in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson , and Zeppelins were not Led.

And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they were not grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-ed in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.

And hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.

We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,
We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for those dysfunctions in the Land That Made Me, Me.

There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda , and cats were not called Bill.

And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me, Me.

But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.
They send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me.

So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me, Me.

If you didn't grow up in the fiftys,
you missed the greatest time in history,
Hope you enjoyed this read as much as I did.

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A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He sees that she's
got a flight attendant's uniform on but can't make out the logo on the jacket over her arm.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the
airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the United Airlines motto:
'It's time to fly'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time with the British Airways motto:
'The World's favourite Airline'.

The woman glares at him and says 'What the f**k do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. "Jetstar".

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Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.

One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices
one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge
himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed
a bar.

The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.
His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No
sooner had he placed the shot glass back on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone col d
dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must
take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the pavement, still
burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know, if you bend over
to pick that up, we're both dead."

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> Subject: The Glasgow Brothel
>
> The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified,
> well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
>
> "May I help you sir?" she asked.
>
> "I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
>
> "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
> prefer someone else", said the madam.
>
> "No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
>
> Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000
> a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds
> and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man
> calmly left.
>
> The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
> Valerie
>
> Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as
> she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
>
> Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
> upstairs. After an hour, he left.
>
> The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded
> that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and
> they went upstairs.
>
> After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with
> me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
>
> The man replied, " Edinburgh ."
>
> "Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
>
> "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was
> instructed to deliver your $A315,000 inheritance in person

> The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain
>
> 1. Death
>
> 2. Taxes
>
> 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
>