[OT] Jokes page

[Liftman Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Liftman]

• Maybe the Best IRISH Joke Ever!

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
• They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest,
• one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger,
• 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole,
• only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.
• But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'

[grandeandy01 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close grandeandy01]

David Thornes entire website is fantastic, He's a South Australian and has caused some hilarious shit in his time.

Thanks for that Wooley, looked it up and yes he's a scream, love the one about the spider and debt

[Torrie 72 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Torrie 72]

Thanks for that Wooley, looked it up and yes he's a scream, love the one about the spider and debt

My favorite was the formal complaints one. Has us in tears! Good to see an Aussie sticking it up em

[wooley Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close wooley]

My favorite was the formal complaints one. Has us in tears! Good to see an Aussie sticking it up em

South Aussie too!

"He's touched my property without my permission multiple times now!" haha.

[Davros Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Davros]

I have just spent the last two hours reading everything on the site. That has to be the funniest site around.

I was surprised that David Thorne indicates he would like to own a Prado!

On reflection, it is ovious to me that MLC is in fact David Thorne.

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

[schnitzel_german Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close schnitzel_german]

I was trying to put an Ikea shelf together the other day.

After about 3 hours, shelf still in bits, the wife came in, sneered at me and said, "Shall I get my Father round?"

I said, "Piss off smartarse, when you give me a shit blow job I don't ask you to get your bloody mother round do I?"

[Liftman Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Liftman]

Sex Study...

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.


The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead!

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

I have just spent the last two hours reading everything on the site. That has to be the funniest site around.

I was surprised that David Thorne indicates he would like to own a Prado!

On reflection, it is ovious to me that MLC is in fact David Thorne.

Damm it, there goes the anonymity

[grandeandy01 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close grandeandy01]

*
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude
and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,
*
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am."
*
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above
sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100
degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
*
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Liberal voter."
*
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
*
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still
lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
*
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Gillard supporter."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
*
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are
going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve
your problem. You're in exactly the same position* you were in before we
met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
*
*

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Two sides to every story.


Two women are having a coffee and catching up:

So, how was your evening last night?

A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep two minutes later. Nightmare, and you?

Oh, mine was incredible.. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and we chatted until late.. It was wonderful...


Their husbands meet at the pub...

So, how was your evening last night?
Incredible! When I came home, the food was just ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife, You?

A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...! The dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f..k..g candles to avoid knocking everything over. I was so wound up and pissed off that it took her an hour to get me aroused, and another one to finish. In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing.......disaster.

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.

"Fancy buying me a drink?" she said.

"Sure," I replied.. "If you let me choose".

"Okay", She grinned.

"But how will you know what i want?"

"Well,.. it's kind of a talent," I smiled.

"All i do is look a girl up and down and i know exactly what drink suits her best".

"Okay", She giggled.

"You can choose for me".

So i turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, Mate".

[Liftman Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Liftman]

Three girls worked in an office with the same female boss and each day they noticed that the boss left work early.
One day the three decided that when their boss left, they would leave shortly after her.
After all, she never came back to work so she would never know that they went home early too.

The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, spent time playing with her son and enjoyed her evening.

The redhead was pleased to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom she heard noises coming from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss.
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going
to do likewise.
"No way", the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!!"

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

One hot summer day, Boonga came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the pub for a cold one..

Twenty minutes later, a cop entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"

Boonga called out, " It's mine, mate."

"Your dog seems to be in heat" the cop said.

Boonga replied, "No way. She's cool as, 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."

The cop said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said Boonga. "That dog don't need no bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed 'er this mornin'."

The exasperated cop said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"

Boonga looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog..."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The 11th Husband...

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynacologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".


"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the "GILLARD GOVERNMENT"
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."