[OT] Jokes page

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

Weather Report


How cold was it this morning?

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Gentle Thoughts for Today
Birds of a feather flock together...and then shit on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman numerals for
forty (40) are XL?
If you can smile when things go wrong,
you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he
can tell when he's really in trouble.
Did you ever notice: When you put the two
words 'The' and 'IRS' together they spell 'Theirs'?
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this
way. I've traveled a long way and some of
the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but
being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN.

[grandeandy01 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close grandeandy01]

*

*
Dick had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.


He sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man in a red plaid shirt is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00....'

'Great', says Rick, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Rick.. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ' More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there.. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Rick, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

*
*
**
*

*
*Dick had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.


He sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man in a red plaid shirt is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00....'

'Great', says Rick, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Rick.. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ' More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there.. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Rick, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

*
*
**
*
*

[Dobbo Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Dobbo]

This wild looking woman walked into a pub in outback Australia, wearing a sleeveless sundress.
Lifting a big tuckshop arm and showing a sweaty hairy armpit she pointed around the bar and shouted "who's going to buy a lady a drink?"
All the men at the bar suddeny found something interesting on the ceiling or the back wall and ignored her, all except an old drunk sitting down the end of the bar.
Ï'll buy the ballerina a drink"he slurred.
The barman poured a beer and passed it over to the woman who promptly swilled it down.
She raised her arm again and shouted "who's going to buy a lady another drink?"
The old drunk down the end yelled "I'll buy the ballerina another drink "
The barman poured another beer, gave it to the woman and went to collect the money from the old bloke.
Leaning over he whispered "look mate, it's your choice to buy the her the drinks, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
"Well"said the old drunk, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

The haircut


One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After
the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot
accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The
florist was pleased and left the shop.


When the barber went to open his shop the next morning,
there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his
door.


Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and
left the shop.


The next morning when the barber went to open up, there
was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.


Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and
when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot
accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The
Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.



The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free
haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference
between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


REMEMBER POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN
AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

[Liftman Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Liftman]

I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did me, then my forwarding it will be worth the effort.

"Walk with me by the water," well worth the read...


A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER:


















Shit...
I forgot the words.....

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Paddy goes in for a job interview at Brisbane docks.
The foreman says he’ll have to take an IQ test.
“What’s that?” Paddy asks.
“Well, it’s to measure your level of intelligence,” he explains.
“The average bloke would get a score of 100.
A professor might be 120 or 140 even’” he goes on.
“But then on the other hand, a labourer or truckie may be 70 or 50 or much lower.”
Paddy is looking concerned. “What if the guy gets a score of only 10?”
“Well then he would be very dumb indeed,” the foreman sneers at the Irishman.
“He’d be lucky if he could tie his own shoe laces.”
“Ah,” says Paddy, “Is that why you Aussies always wear thongs?”

[grandeandy01 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close grandeandy01]

*
*
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
*
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.*
*
True to his word, he made the first contact:*
*
" Marion ....* Marion "*
*
"Is that you, Bob?"**
*
"Yes,* I've come back like we agreed."*
*
"That's* wonderful!* What's it like?"
*
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.*
*
I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.*
*
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.*
*
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).
*
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the* rest of the afternoon.*
*
After supper, it's back to golf course again.*
*
Then it's more sex until late at night.*
*
I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"*
*
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"*
**
"No.... I'm a rabbit in Mildura.”

*

[grandeandy01 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close grandeandy01]

*
***************** How the Olympics got named.*
*

*


A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.** In those days the athletes performed naked. *That may explain the high number of*injuries back then.*
*
To prevent unwanted arousals while competing,* the men imbibed freely on saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
*
At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males, *marching toward her.* She exclaimed: " OH!! Limp Pricks!"
*
Over the next two and a half millenia that morphed into " Olympics"

*

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.

She was a sorry sight.

Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down..

We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.

He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

The husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

The husband and the Vet don't see eye to eye.

The vet calls the husband 'El-Cheap-O', and the husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with the husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day the husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen the husband arrive.

He looked straight at the husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.

We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!

Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant!

God only knows who the father is!'

Then he closed the door.

The silence was deafening.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land mines.'

Moral of the story
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN

[Liftman Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Liftman]

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
-----------------------------------------------
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
-----------------------------------------------
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILISE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
-----------------------------------------------
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)
-----------------------------------------------
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
-----------------------------------------------
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
-----------------------------------------------
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
-----------------------------------------------
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
-----------------------------------------------
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
-----------------------------------------------
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
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Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart.
Then you are just an old sour fart!
-----------------------------------------------
One for the ladies........
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb..
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies,
'I'll miss you.'
-----------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
---------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
-----------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough
-----------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

Words Women Use

(1)Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2)Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3)Nothing:This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6)That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7)Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8)Whatever:Is a woman's way of sayingF--YOU!
(9)Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

Marriage or Prison

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.

"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,

"Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to prison for twenty years?"

"I remember that, too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been out of prison today and a free man!"

[grandeandy01 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close grandeandy01]

*
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf,
greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware
of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.*

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up
the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto
the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?"?
inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving",
says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman,
"Mercedes thinks of everything!".