[OT] Jokes page

[Liftman Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Liftman]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,
"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom.
Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes,
but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door
to that asshole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one. “

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

Is that a joke or a true story Paul?

Haha, Only suppose to be a joke!!!!!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

OLD FART PRIDE
I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it. Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.
• Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem. Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
• Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbour, Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam.
• If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.
• Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
• Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.
• Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.
• It's the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.

We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old Farts !

Pass this on to all the "Old Farts" you know.

I was taught to respect my elders. It's just getting harder to find them.

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

POLITICS

Whether Conservative, Liberal or Labour, I think you'll all get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.’

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s**t.'

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my house. The grass is almost a foot high."

[grandeandy01 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close grandeandy01]

The wife was screaming at her Husband:** "Leave!!* Get out of this house!" she ordered.
*
As he was walking out the door she yelled, "And .. I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
*
He turned around and replied**** "So now you want me to stay?"
*

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,
watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a
Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.

"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi
when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died.”


Why do people say ‘Grow some balls!’
What for? They are weak and sensitive.
If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina.
They can take some pounding.


Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end you’ll wish you had a club and a spade.

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Thats the lot

[1coolbanana Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close 1coolbanana]

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

Reminds me of when I was playing gridiron with an American team in Alice Springs. At the first quarter of the game the coach was ranting and raving about the need to win the game and said to everyone, "If you don't perform, you'll get pulled off at half time". In immediate reply, one of the aussies said, "Wow. In Australia, they normally just give you oranges". All the aussies broke down into fits of laughter while the yanks tried to understand what had just occurred.

[1coolbanana Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close 1coolbanana]

[grandeandy01 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close grandeandy01]

*
A doctor from Israel says:
"In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's
testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking
for work."
*
The German doctor comments:
"That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person;
we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for
work."
*
A Russian doctor says:
"That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a
person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is
looking for work."
*
The Australian doctor answers immediately:
"That's nothing fellas, you’re way behind us....in *Australia , ...We
grabbed a *freckle infested redheaded female atheist *spinster , size
34-40- 74, with balls, a wooden heart, speaks like a mortician, bobs
her head like a *f#ck'n chook, waves her hands like a ventriloquist,
spends money like it’s going out of fashion....and.... we made her
Prime Minster of Australia and very soon ......the whole bloody
country will be looking for work!!!!!!"
*

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bed room where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, So, you finish? She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. No.

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, You finish?

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said.

No. Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, You finish?

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear...

No, I Norwegian.