[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'
http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff22 ... hepond.jpg

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Blonde's Year in Review

January

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Helllloooo! Bottles won't fit in the printer!


March

Got really excited, finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months. Box said '2-4 years!'

April

Trapped on escalator for hours, the power went out!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid. Wrong instructions! 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

June

Tried to go water skiing, couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July

Lost breast stroke swimming competition, learned later the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms and hands!

August

Got locked out of my car in rain storm, car swamped because soft-top was open.

September

Capital of California is 'C!' Isn't it?

October

Hate M & M's! They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days; Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 pounds!

December

Picked up the phone to dial 911, no such luck?

'Duh,' there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!




THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR:



A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

Are you ready for this? This is a beauty!

My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND....

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud.

These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district.
(or was it Mo. ?)

Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please
execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32 and also 33.


4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.


5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out
of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by
very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre
dyrea direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and
his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because
i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We
thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her
funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the marines.


19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.


23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,
sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever
an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I
wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something
going around, her father even got hot last night.


Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

GRANDMA IN COURT

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to
the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know
him.'

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you f*@@ing idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you
to the electric chair."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A Three Year Old:

One day my mother was out and my Dad was in charge of me and my
brother who
is just four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half years
old and had just
recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken, among
other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get well gift and it was
one of my favorite
toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and
my brother
was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little
cup of 'tea,' which
was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for
such yummy tea, my
Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me
bring him a
cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup
of tea for
Daddy, and she watches him drink it all up, then she says to him,
'Did it ever occur
to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the
toilet??'

MOTHERS KNOW !!!!!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

What Gets Longer When Pulled,

Fits Between your Boobs,

Inserts Neatly in a Hole

AND Works Best When Jerked?



(scroll down)




























A Seatbelt you Pervert! Buckle Up!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex
therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that
such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he
agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's
absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he
charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex
therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled,
but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an
appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the
doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says,
"I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to
find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and
we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The
Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43
back from Medicare."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

What marriage is about...

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old
man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two
piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup
down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the
people around them kept looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a
bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to
sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to
eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered

:lol:
:cry:
ops:
:?
:shock:

"THE TEETH."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

OLDER THAN DIRT

'Hey Dad,' one of my kids asked the other day, 'What was your favourite fast food when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'


'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. 'Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'


Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, travelled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a store card. The card was good only at Boans (now Myers).



My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of coloured plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.' When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 15 Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a 'machine.'

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost sixpence a paper, of which I got to keep 2 pennies . I had to get up at 4 AM every morning.
On Saturday, I had to collect the 3 shillings from my customers. My favourite customers were the ones who gave me 'three and sixpence' and told me to keep the change. My least favourite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Older Than Dirt Quiz:


How many do you remember?



Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about Ratings at the bottom.

1. Cho Cho bar
2. Drive ins
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soft drink machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or milk bars with tableside juke boxes
6 Home milk delivery in glass bottles with foil stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. Packards
10. Blue flashbulbs
11. Telephone numbers with 2 letters and 4 numbers
12. Peashooters
13. Wash tub wringer
14. 78 RPM records
15. Metal ice trays with lever
17. Cracker night (Bonfire night)
18. Using hand signals for cars without turn signals
19. Bread delivered by horse and cart
20. Head lights dimmer switches on the floor
21. Ignition switches on the dashboard
22. Heaters mounted on the inside of the wall
23. Real ice boxes
24. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards
25. Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner


If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has
to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite
and don't talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know
what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers
what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table.
So he turns to the little girl and says, "Will you excuse me I have
to go powder my nose." And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and
runs to the washroom.When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks,
"Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes," said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.
"Well then," says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because
your lipstick is hanging out."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING :

Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall

My grandson got away from me Sunday at the mall. He
approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

There was a Japanese man who went to Sydney for sightseeing.On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the drive to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.
Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled,”Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!”
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi.Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled,”Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!”

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi.
For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.

Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was AUD$300.The Japanese exclaimed, “Wah… so expensive!” There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!”

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

"A Tasmanian, a Queenslander and a New South WelshmanAugust 25th 2006 03:20
Three guys - a Tasmanian, a Queenslander and a New South Welshman - are out walking along the beach together one day.

They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the genie.

The Tasmanian says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."

With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Queenslander was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Queensland, so that we can run our own State how we feel, and no hippie southerner can tell us what to do. I want it so nothing and no-one will get in for all eternity."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Queensland.

The New South Welshman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The New South Welshman says, "Fill it up with water."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A
LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL
BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER
MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH
BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.
THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE
CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL
WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
' A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A
LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..., TAKIN MY TEETH
WITH HER.'