[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

The $5.00 Tie

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.'

'If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

'Your @#$%$%&* brother won't let me in without a tie!'

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

Fridays???

A bloke has just died and is sitting in Hell feeling rather sorry for himself.
A Demon wanders up to him and asks "Why the long face?".
The bloke replies "Well I cant say I am too excited about spending my eternity in Hell".

The Demon replies "Dont be silly, Hell is a great place. You drink?".
The bloke says "yeh I used to enjoy a drink".
The Demon says "Well your gonna love Mondays, everyone just drinks themselves stupid. Kegs galore, every spirit you can think of, the finest wines, liquor everywhere. Everyone just drinks till they pass out then drinks some more".
The bloke says "that sounds alright".

The Demon continues "Yeh, you smoke cigars?".
The bloke replies "Yeh i used to enjoy a cigar when i could afford one". The Demon says "Well your gonna love Tuesdays. There is endless amounts of Cuban cigars, everyone just sits around and smokes cigars all day long". The bloke seems impressed.

The Demon goes on, "You like to gamble?"
The bloke replies "Yeh i did used to gamble a fair amount when i was alive".
The Demon says "Well your gonna love Wednesdays, Hell turns into a big casino. Poker, blackjack, roullette and craps tables as far as the eye can see, heaps of slots, its fantastic. You've got unlimited money, you can gamble your life away and there is no debts or consequences cos your in Hell". The bloke is getting more and more excited.

The Demon says "You into drugs?".
The bloke eagerly replies "Yes i used to dabble in a bit of drugs in my younger days".
The Demon says "Well your gonna love Thursdays, everyone just gets messed up on drugs. Ecstacy, Speed, Amphedamins, Crack, Cocaine, Heroin, Acid, its all there, smoke a joint if you like, go nuts".

The bloke is quite optimistic now, "Wow, I am quite looking forward to the thought of Hell now, it sounds like a great place".
"Too right", says the Demon, "You gay?".
The bloke pauses, "Um... no, why?" he asks.
"Hmmm", the Demon grimaces "Your gonna hate Fridays". :shock:

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

And just one more...

Mickey Mouse gets called into Court to hear the outcome of his divorce application from Minnie Mouse after earlier lodging his affidavit and separation papers with the Court Clerk.

Inside the Court, the Judge flicks through the divorce papers, removes his glasses, leans forward and says "I'm sorry Mickey, after having read through your application, I couldn't find sufficient grounds for seeking a divorce from Minnie due to her being insane."

Mickey looks stunned and says "I never said she was insane... I said she was f***ing Goofy!!" ops:

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works everytime).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

When a woman wears a tight little leather dress,



A man's heart beats quicker,

his throat gets dry,

he goes weak at the knees,

and he begins to think irrationally.



-Ever wondered why?




.....Because she smells like a new ute. :lol: :lol:

[muzza Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close muzza]

A study conducted by UWA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she tends to be more attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Dear Abby

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating
on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller
hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot
recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some
friends from work, you don't know them.

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I
usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with
my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth,
but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on
her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I
could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home
from a night out with 'the girls.'

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, and
she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was
at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a
hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
pro-shop where I bought it?



Regards,

Troubled

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

The Queenslander


An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.

He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.

The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn’t been there for a while.

He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We’re not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I’m here to feed the crocodile.'

Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

Prayers Answered
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."

He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have finally been answered!"

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Medicare Coverage in a Nutshell

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello Mrs. Ward, please.'
'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.'

'That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Ward.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
________________________________________

[damo Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close damo]

Abdul and Ahab migrate to Oz. Abdul says, 'i bet in 6 months i'll be more aussie than you'. Ahab says 'youre on!'.
They meet 6 months later, Abdul says 'I've got a commodore and after a few beers this arvo I'm going to the footy!'
Ahab replies: 'F#*k off towel head'

[Dobbo Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Dobbo]

A drunk was wandering down by the river one day when he came across a water baptism in progress. Curious what all the fuss was about he waded in and stood next to the preacher.
"Are you ready to find Jesus" said the preacher. "Well I guess I'll give it a go" said the drunk, whereby the preacher grabbed him by the back of the neck and pushed him under the water for a few seconds.
"Did you find our Lord?" asked the preacher. Still spluttering the drunk shook his head so the preached grabbed him and pushed him under for a longer time.
"Did you find our Lord Jesus that time?" asked the preacher to the spluttering drunk who shook his head again.
The preacher grabbed him and pushed his head under for a full minute before dragging the half dead drunk to the surface.
"Did you find Lord Jesus that time ?" bawled the preacher
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?" spluttered the drunk

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carol
That the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears,
he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made
passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Darling, now I only
have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Carol agreed
and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left. He touched Carol 's shoulder and said, 'Darling?
Please? Just one more time before I die?' She agreed, and then
afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep
Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his
head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Darling, I only
have four hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen, I'm not
trying to be funny, Barry, but I have to get up in the morning -
you don't......

[muzza Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close muzza]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured
alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his beard.

'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands.

'Actually, no,' he replied.

'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running
her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I
can do?'

'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.

'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or
paper towels in the ladies room.'