[OT] Jokes page

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Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door
he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red
Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first
to the right, then to the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets

his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his
corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea

stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his cap on to a
pile of hay.

"What on earth are you doing, Mick?" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!" says an obviously
embarrassed Mick. "But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in

the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a
tractor! "

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Girlfriends' Lunch Out

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed upon that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters
there were very good looking.

Ten years later at 50 years of age, the group once again
discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was
agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the food there was very good, the wine selection was
good also, and the waiters were cute.

Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group once again
discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was
agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because they could eat there in peace and quiet, the
restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean, and the
waiters were sweet boys.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again
discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was
agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible, they even
had an elevator, and the waiters were kindly.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again
discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was
agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because they had never been there before.

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A blond goes into a bank in Manhattan and asks for a two hundred dollar loan.
The manager asks her what she wants the money for.
She says she's a model and is off to Europe for three months on assignment.
He tells her the interest would be $50 and asks her what she has for collateral.
She says she has a hundred thousand dollar Mercedes she can put up.
He can't believe his ears but takes the car anyway and has a laugh with his fellow workers on such stupidity.
She returns three months later, pays back the loan plus the interest and collects her keys.
He says "Why would anyone put up such an expensive car for such a paltry loan."
She says "Where else would you get 3 months secure parking for fifty bucks in New York."

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FBI'S BEST 12 DEATHS
Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 serious crimes including
Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out
its Top 12 Homicides of the year.
1. Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch long
vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had enough of her husband's strange sex Practices and one
night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the
vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused
severe bleeding.
2. Debby Mills - Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road.
She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to
her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her
birthday cake.
3. Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just
sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't
have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into
her father’s coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly
collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she
didn't realise what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the
same method one month later.
4. David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he attempted to have
his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barrelled
shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends) father had given it to her an hour before the
date started, just in case.
5. Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for
8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat
after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.
6. Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a
live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down
the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo! The
troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40
of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of
the troopers stated in his report.
7. Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked
on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone,
then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.

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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if had done something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is his hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table eating.

Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed....

"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS

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The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front-line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be all right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

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Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
*****************
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
****************
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon.'
****************
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
***************
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
***************
An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

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A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Test for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Test consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

Worse ... you’re now singing it to yourself!

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The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

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your Super will run short?



Senior health care solution -



So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you. What do you do?



Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 MP’s and 2 illegal immigrants!



Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air-conditioning and all the health care you need! New teeth - no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. (And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).



And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.



Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.



IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?

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Last night my new girlfriend said to me,

"you've got the biggest one I ever laid my hands on."

I said, "You're pulling my leg."

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JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.



Rusk responded
"Does that include those who are buried here?"







DeGaulle did not respond.




You could have
Heard a pin drop
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'


A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:


'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply
Emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day,
They can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'


You could have
Heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'


Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied,


'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'


You could have
Heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN
WITH THE ABOVE...


Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.


"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.


Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.


"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."


The American said,


'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."


"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"


The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained,


''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."


You could have
Heard a pin drop.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are proud to be an American, Canadian, Australian or British pass this on! If not, delete it.

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Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I!

And where about in Ireland are ya from ?

The other woman answers, 'I'm from St. John's , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!!

And what street did you live on?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world.. So did I! So did I!

And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I.

Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us ! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self.

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)




'Only when he's been drinking .

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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students: 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

'That must've been scary', said the teacher. '



It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say ' f*ck' , the Rottweiler ate him!