[OT] Jokes page

[ptnlinda Member Find all posts View Profile Close ptnlinda]

THE KINGDOM OF THAILAND

In the original native culture of Thailand , when males reached the age of 18 they had to participate in the following community ceremony:

They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward. A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men.

She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects. (This keeps them off his face during the ceremony)

A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the center of the circle.

As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then,
on a given signal from the centre dancer, release them.

The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their belly buttons.

This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity .. . . the man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King.

And that, folks, is why the current capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok ..... I'll bet you never knew this!!!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
Said...

You'll love this...

I know you will...
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT
ON TWO COATS."

[wooley Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close wooley]

Why are sandwich fillings and Tasmanians so similar? ...cause they're usually in bred.

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

The local copper arrested 2 teenagers here yesterday. One was stealing car batteries and the other was stealing fireworks.

He charged the first one and let the second one off

Cheers Andrew

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

Fremantle docker fans are rapped about the recent announcement of the club relocating from Fremantle to Cockburn - they will be closer to Success!!! (a suburb of southern Perth for all out of WA)

[buster0z Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close buster0z]

little aborigine kid asked me in woolworths where to find the firestarters...

i just laughed....abo+firestarters=????

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,


"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ......


"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

Gynaecologist’s Assistant...
A man went to Macquarie Street in Sydney having seen an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. " "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination." "The annual salary is $95,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Brisbane "

" My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man. She answered: "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is."

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

Great Comeback
A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right??"The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ear:"I study law, and I know how to screw people"

[SWR Banned Find all posts View Profile Close SWR]

2012
-----------------------
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon
-------------------
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
and with tears streaming down my face
I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!
-------------------------
2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
They’re both in hospital... one's in a korma
the other's got a dodgy tikka!
----------------------
The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.
You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!
----------------------------
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took
gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead
and anything else they could get their bloody hands on

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

A man goes into the doctor.He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh, only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?"

The doctor asked."That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this."

The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead,
"Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will."

"I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in my books," he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.

"I can make a well educated guess though," he continued.

"Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."


Cheers Andrew

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

An Aussie in the pub asked his mate "if you were out fishing and i sneaked around to your house and your wife got pregnant and had my baby, would that make us related?" His mate pondered for a minute and finally said "well, I don't know about related, but it sure make us even."

Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar. One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?" "Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?" "Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.''




''She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,'' said the horrified teacher. ''What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."

[butane8 Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close butane8]

two aussie digger's , caught,, isolated in a mid field trench after a success... full assault .against the enemy
.. between a heavy bar- rage of in coming shells from both side's...

heads down in the dirt they wait for they guns to silence..... pounding of shells , they spray of dirt.. till

after hours of pounding the , guns go quiet..
...
...
as the night still's, .

.. jack decides to take a peek ... still as... , bill.. has a look too..., and scuries back into the trench...
"mate i need a shit!" .., requested jack.... peering into the dark...


........


bill explains , we could be stranded here for days with the day light persuu-ing... dont do it.. !
jack peering over the trench , says mate, there's a bloody tree just to our right flank.... tell you what,

" you cover me with a clip and i'll do it behind that tree.. !", when i fire two single shots, at three sec's. apart .. lay down another clip and i'll come back!
... "O.K!!!!!! " ...

BILL ,weigh's it up and clicks the bolt, 1, 2, 3, go ...... click .. bang bang .. bang bang . bang. clack.. , and hits the dirt as " JACK ", scuries from the trench into the night..
nervously he waits , listening for the two shots?
...

..
on sunrise.... ?
.

bill, suddenly is awoke by the scampperin' of his mate into the trench.. ,, pantin' laffin' , with a grin from EAR to EAR.... lol'..
"bloody hell you prick ,,, waited half the farkin nite for those shot's ,thought u were a gorna"

jack replies with a cheesy grin , mate , ya not gunna believe me, but i found a , shelia behind that tree,,,,,, !!!!!!
but , mate ! wait ! best is yet too come... ( bill cough's... ) AND? , ask's bill

.. i gave her a root,, ( bullshit ! exclaims ! , bill ) naa , serious , continues jack... she was so soft , perfect figure, tits like grapefruits , i went half the night in all different positions!!!,
with no complaints mate..." did she give you head ? " ask's bill.

NAh , she didnt have a head!, replies jack.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." He sees things differently than most of us.






Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favourite -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?