[OT] Jokes page

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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*An Australian Love Poem* ( Who said Australian men weren't romantic? )



Of course I love ya darling

You're a bloody top notch bird

And when I say you're gorgeous

I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side

I don't mind a bit of flab

It means that when I'm ready

There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more

I tell ya, I don't care

So long as when I cuddle ya

I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age

Has nice round perky breasts

They just gave in to gravity

But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now

I never tell ya lies

I think its very sexy

That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now

The moment that we met

I thought u was as good as

I Was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like

I'll always love ya dear

Now shut up while the footy's on

And fetch another beer.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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I am restricted by having to delete all the spicy ones......

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,

'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull >>>> might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who gets you into >>>> is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of >>>> is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep >>>>, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
And send this to five bright people who have enough sense of humor to take it!

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Melbourne, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Brisbane , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.'

The third surgeon, from Adelaide , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Sydney chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Canberra shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

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Interesting competition here... spara 238 v jon 63.

[Chippy Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close Chippy]

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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to
grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had
spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue..

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every
time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the
matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his
response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat
an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son.'

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Investment tips for 2008






With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on! the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in later this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Looks like a challenge here.............have a lot of catching up to do though.......

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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No repeats !!!!!! :wink: :wink: :shock: :shock: :wink: :wink:

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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I will try to post 'originals', however, the same jokes seem to come around again & again.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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A Senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car
salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160Kmh; enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal
to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police
car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly nutcase as he
floored it to 180Kmh, then 220, then 280Kmh. Suddenly, he thought, 'What
on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!'

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to
catch up with him..

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side
of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10
minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can
give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll
let you go.'

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, 'Years ago,
my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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sorry Jon - repeat from page 29.......

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Oops...thought I had seen it before........just received today from another source.
Now I am sure these jokes just go around and around and keep coming back.
Hopefully I will do better next time.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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The Woolworths Cat

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and
Accidentally cut off the tail of her cat
Which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over
to Woolworths

Why Woolworths?

HELLOOOOOOOOO!


Woolworths is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!