[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Subject: Fw: Holy E-Mail


One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.' So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good,because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?



Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

[Dobbo Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Dobbo]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Feel free to delete this one MODS if deemed to be too risque.

A busload of catholic sisters overturned one day and several were killed in the accident.
Arriving at the pearly gates, they were met by St Peter, standing by a font of holy water.
"Before you are allowed to enter" he said "I have to ask you a question to confirm your purity"
"Have you ever been corrupted by a man's penis? he said to the first sister.
"Well I once saw one"said the sister.
"Wash your eyes in the holy water and enter the Kingdom Of Heaven" said St Peter.
He asked the same question to the second sister who replied" I once touched one years ago"
"Wash your hand in the holy water and enter the Kingdom Of Heaven" said St Peter.
Just as he was about to ask the third sister the question, a lovely young sister came rushing up to St Peter from the back of the line.
"Can I help you?" said St Peter.
'Well" said the sister, " If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Sarah sticks her bum in it"

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A busload of catholic sisters overturned one day and several were killed in the accident.
Arriving at the pearly gates, they were met by St Peter, standing by a font of holy water.
"Before you are allowed to enter" he said "I have to ask you a question to confirm your purity"
"Have you ever been corrupted by a man's penis? he said to the first sister.
"Well I once saw one"said the sister.
"Wash your eyes in the holy water and enter the Kingdom Of Heaven" said St Peter.
He asked the same question to the second sister who replied" I once touched one years ago"
"Wash your hand in the holy water and enter the Kingdom Of Heaven" said St Peter.
Just as he was about to ask the third sister the question, a lovely young sister came rushing up to St Peter from the back of the line.
"Can I help you?" said St Peter.
'Well" said the sister, " If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Sarah sticks her bum in it"

In the words of Gomer from Good Morning Vietnam..."Oh, you're goin' straight to hell for that one!" :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Fluck

An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins exchanging her money.

After the transaction is complete she asks the teller 'Why it change, yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?'

The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly....'fluctuations'.

The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says, 'fluck you Aussies too'

[Big Fella Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Big Fella]

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Fluck

An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins exchanging her money.

After the transaction is complete she asks the teller 'Why it change, yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?'

The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly....'fluctuations'.

The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says, 'fluck you Aussies too'

Mate that's gold. What a ripper. The kids nearly wet themselves on that one

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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Here is another good one..


How to wash a toilet

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.




2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.



3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.


4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.


5. Flush the toilet three or four times This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.



6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.



7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.



8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.



9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,

The Dog

[Dobbo Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Dobbo]

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The janitor at an exclusive ladies college was sick to death of having to clean the lipstick off the toilet block mirrors every day,from where the young misses had been practising their kissing techniques.
In desperation, he had the headmistress gather all the girls in the toilet one morning.
"I have asked you all here this morning'said the headmistress, " so that the janitor can demonstrate to you all, what a difficult time he has removing all the lipstick"
With that, the janitor stuck his toilet brush into the closest toilet pan, and still dripping, proceded to vigourously scrub the first mirror.
The marks stopped overnight :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

There are thinkers and then there are thinkers :twisted:

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that f#@*^#g wall!" 8) 8)

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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Re: 2009 management Scheme

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy in Australia since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early
Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Management

[Black Prado Chick Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Black Prado Chick]

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A long haired kiwi walked into the local Centrelink office to pick up his dole cheque.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job.'

The Centrelink girl behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent,Sir.''We have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year. '

The kiwi plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshitin' me! '
The Centrelink worker replied, ' Yeah, well . . you started it.'

[Dobbo Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Dobbo]

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Apparently a true story.

A primary school teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to a class of six year olds and had come to the part where the third little pig had met the farmer with the cart load of straw and the little pig had asked the farmer for some of the straw so he could build a house.
The teacher paused and looked up at the class and asked " and what do you think the farmer would have said then?"

A bright young boy put up his hand and said " well miss, I reckon the farmer would have said well f**k me, it's a talking pig"

Talk about lateral thinking :lol:

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Offline

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

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A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge." The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?"

The woman says, "No, but I'll blow you for the toaster."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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A man was leaving a cafe with his
morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was
followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a
pit-bull on a leash.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men
walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.

'I am so
sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you,
but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking
in single file.

'Whose funeral is it?'

The man
replied, 'Well, the first hearse is for my wife'

'What
happened to her?'

The man replied 'My dog attacked and killed
her.'

He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second
hearse?'

The man answered 'My Mother-in-law. She was trying to
help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and
thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

'Can
I borrow the dog?'

'Join the queue'

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURTDOCKET12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this.When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!' :shock: