[OT] Jokes page

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

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RE: I want to speak to my lawyer

A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week. "The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week. "The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling? " The guy says, "Because I just love hearing you say that."

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Nuns having hot dogs


Two nuns took their first trip outside the convent. They had never seen a baseball game, so they got tickets. Once inside, they sat in the bleachers, and hearing a vender selling hot dogs, one said, "We've never had hot dogs before," and they decided to order a couple.

The first nun unwrapped her hot dog, and proceeded to quickly wrap it up again, saying, "Oh, my!"

"What's wrong, sister?" asked her companion.

"Well," came the reply, "which part of the dog did you get?"

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

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> 21 Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008 update
>
> SOCIALISM
> You have 2 cows.
> You give one to your neighbour.
>
> COMMUNISM
> You have 2 cows.
> The State takes both and gives you some milk.
>
> FASCISM
> You have 2 cows.
> The State takes both and sells you some milk.
>
> NAZISM
> You have 2 cows.
> The State takes both and shoots you.
>
> BUREAUCRATISM
> You have 2 cows.
> The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
> milk away...
>
> TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
> You have two cows.
> You sell one and buy a bull.
> Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
> You sell them and retire on the income.
>
> SURREALISM
> You have two giraffes.
> The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
>
> AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
> Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
>
> ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
> You have two cows.
> You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
> of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
> debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
> four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
> The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to
> a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
> sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
> The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on
> one more.
> You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving
> you with nine cows.
> No balance sheet provided with the release.
> The public then buys your bull.
>
> A FRENCH CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you
> want three cows.
>
> A JAPANESE CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
> and produce twenty times the milk.
> You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and
> market it worldwide.
>
> A GERMAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
> milk themselves.
>
> AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
> You decide to have lunch.
>
> A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You count them and learn you have five cows.
> You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
> You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
>
> A SWISS CORPORATION
> You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
> You charge the owners for storing them.
>
> A CHINESE CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You have 300 people milking them.
> You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
> You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
>
> AN INDIAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> You worship them.
>
> A BRITISH CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> Both are mad..
>
> AN IRAQI CORPORATION
> Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
> You tell them that you have none.
> No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
> country.
> You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a
> Democracy....
>
> AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> Business seems pretty good.
> You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
>
> A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> The one on the left looks very attractive.

[tileys Member Find all posts View Profile Close tileys]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Was reminded of this one today...

...did you hear the one about the tractor salesman whose wife ran off...she left him a John Deere letter...

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

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A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. “There is a blind man to see you,” she says. “Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I’m in the shower. Send him in.”

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: “That’s nice and all, ma’am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4.. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,500. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: ' $125,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $2,050,000 for it.'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $1,850,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $200,000 because it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC


Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH


A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY


Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

____________________________ _

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE


A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. :roll: :roll: :roll:

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

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The Department of Water Resources Representative stops at a farm and talks
with an old farmer. He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation'.

The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that paddock over there'.

The Water Representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.

See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land.

No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and sees the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the farmer's huge Brahma bull. The bull is gaining with every step.

The Rep is clearly terrified , so the old farmer immediately throws down
his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'YOUR CARD, SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!!!

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A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.


He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind'

The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,

A little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES.'

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Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Abilene, Texas awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Oklahoma City. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Fort Worth for the livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to
the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?
"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and
a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

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Job at the FBI The FBI had an opening for an assassin .After all the background checks, interviews And testing were
done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of The men to a large
metal door and handed Him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting In a chair .. . . Kill her!!' The man said,
'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the
right man For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was Quiet for a bout 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You
don't Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took
the Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one After another. They heard screaming, crashing, Banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her
brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.
'I had to Beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

[navy1430 Member Find all posts View Profile Close navy1430]

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At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants