[OT] Jokes page

[NevDickens Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close NevDickens]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

This long-time unemployed piano player walking down the street sees a sign in a nightclub window "Musician Wanted." He goes in and applies. The club owner asks him to play something, so he does. When the song is over, the club owner tearfully says, "That's the most beautiful piece I have ever heard. What's it called?" The piano player says, "I call it... 'Your sister was a slut in the Navy'... I wrote it myself. Club guy says, "Unusual title. Do you have others?" He plays another with the same heart-rending tearful results. "What's that one called?" "I call it... Your mom was a companion of many soldiers... I wrote it myself” Club guy, "Real odd titles. I'll hire you to play songs like that but just don't tell people the titles."

Piano guy goes home, goes in the attic, digs out his old tux... it's a bit tight due to his weight gain over the last few years so he dresses without underwear. He goes to work that night and, as he sits at the piano, the crotch tears out of his tight-fitting tux pants. Without underwear his "privates" are hanging out the opening. Oh well, he starts playing anyway. Soon after his show has begun, a woman comes up and asks, "Do you know your hairy balls are showing?"

Piano guy says, “Know it? I wrote it!"



:lol:

[NevDickens Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close NevDickens]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 min.

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting..

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell..

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.''Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what can I give you?

Colin said, 'I just want the bastard who pushed me in.'

[seenthelight Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close seenthelight]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

What are the three fastest means of communication
1)television
2)telephone
3)telawoman

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Feeling Unappreciated Lately ?



The next time you feel that nobody loves you,

no one cares, or that no one ever notices you,


Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . . ..


In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural.




No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson , the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.



Still Having a Bad Day?




The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00 At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.




Still think you are having a Bad Day?




A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.



Are Ya OK Now? - No?




Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.




What? STILL having a Bad Day?




Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is good!




There now, Feeling Better ? I am.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)



You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10


2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10


3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7 ( Love her )

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8


7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )


8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is .......


9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on.
That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer.
I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and yells, "GET THE %$#@ OFF THAT WINDSCREEN, YOU FILTHY SCUM, BEFORE I STRANGLE YOU WITH MY BEADS!!!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Subject: Just the Facts--Nothing Else

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
A human hair can hold 3kg.
The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb.
The femur is as hard as concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster then a man's.
Women blink 2x as much as men.
We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.
The woman has read this entire text.
The man is still looking at his thumb.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A Better Health Plan

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a good looking nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan. "*

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Lexiphiles

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools
they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft
and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia:
The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping centre
you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care centre
where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow
whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run
you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine
was fully recovered.

The optometrist who fell into the eyeglass making machine made a spectacle of himself.

He had a photographic memory
which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches
will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair,
she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.

He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f****ing widow."

[meatman61 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close meatman61]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

There was a knock on the door this morning,


I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Come in and sit down."

"Now what do you want to talk about"?

He said, " ####ed if I know I've never got this far before...." :shock:

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'We ll that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

Let us pray.....................
Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Quickies

I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep.. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."

~~~~~
( I LOVE THIS ONE! )
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"

*******************************************

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.

****************************************

Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?

Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted,
dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.

************************************************** *******

A women asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".

************************************************** *******

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."

************************************************** *******

Nominated as the best short joke this year...

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Re: [OT] Jokes page

Bazza had shingles..
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that doctors are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Bazza:

Bazza walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bazza said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medicare number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bazza what he had.
Bazza said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bazza to wait in the examining room..

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bazza what he had. Bazza said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bazza a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bazza to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bazza sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bazza what he had.

Bazza said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bazza said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'