[OT] Jokes page

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

Super selling

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” "Very good, Mary" said the teacher

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then I would say, “It is dog shit. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?" "I used the Gillard approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

[Liftman Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Liftman]

This is Orstraylian....


The following are the results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take
an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.

(Clearly, you need to be an Aussie - or a fan of their language - to understand...)

Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole

Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet

Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact

Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine

Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle

Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor

Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity

Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans

Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling
himself in the scrub

Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.

[ntp Addicted PP Member Find all posts View Profile Close ntp]

Had to break up a fight the other day between a dentist and a manicurist. They were going at it tooth and nails.

[grandeandy01 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close grandeandy01]

SUNBURN* TREATMENT
*
A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and* got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper* legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin starting to blister,*
and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The* nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’? The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it’ll* keep the sheets off* his legs.'*

[Liftman Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Liftman]

IDIOT SIGHTING.

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said,'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
This is why we don't do Mac Donalds any more and their idiot staff training program




IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in Ipswich , Qld.


IDIOT SIGHTING :

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Bankstown , Sydney ........

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

This happened in Elizabeth S.A.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee in Adelaide P.O.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'


STAY ALERT! They walk among us...

[Luis Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Luis]

WARNING 18+



1. In life never look down on anybody,
unless u r getting a lovely view of the cleavage

2. Whenever you see a woman and an opportunity
don't screw the opportunity

3. Define contraceptive pill?
It's the second best thing that a woman can keep in her mouth to avoid pregnancy

4. What is the similarity between doing sex and doing surgery?
Skill is more important than the instrument

5. What's the definition of a lesbian?
Yet another damn woman trying to do a man's job

6. Today's generation:
6 year old boy to 4 year old boy:dude,I found a condom in the balcony.
4 year old boy: What's a balcony.

7.What advice does a doctor give to sick prostitutes?
Stay out of bed for a few days

[cardinal28 Member Find all posts View Profile Close cardinal28]

Confessions of a hooker

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession.

Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for New Zealand All Blacks.'

[Liftman Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Liftman]

Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Randwick Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?


'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

4WD STICKERS:

I hate sports cars, they scratch my diffs.

I'd rather be bogged than bored.

Thanks for honking, now piss off.

They are not dents, they are battle scars.

Hell was full so I came home.

Lead follow or get out of my way!

Lift kits coz fat chicks can't jump.

My carbon footprint is bigger than yours.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

AN IRISH GHOST STORY
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by.. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....



Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it.'

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory.

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

In Memorium
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.

News Flash: Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

The wife left a note on the fridge.........

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Moms!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........

Don’t know what she was on about!!

[Davros Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Davros]

The wife left a note on the fridge.........

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Moms!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........

Don’t know what she was on about!!

Is that a joke or a true story Paul?

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

There was an Irish prostitute who worked out of Dublin. One day, she went back to visit her family's home in the countryside. Her father greeted her at the door. "Oh me darlin' daughter," he exclaimed. "Where have you been?" "Well dad," she replied "I've become a prostitute."
"What!" he yelled, furious. "Away with you, I never want to see you again!"
"But dad," she protested "I've made so much money. I bought you and mum a new car and a lovely flat in the city. I've done all this for you, won't you let me in?"
"Wait a minute," her father said "What is it you said you are?"
"A prostitute, dad."
"Ah, thank Jesus for that!" he exclaimed, "I thought you said Protestant!"

[grandeandy01 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close grandeandy01]

*
************************************************** ************************************************** ***********WALKING EAGLE

On a recent trip to the United States, Julie Gillard,* temporary Prime Minister of Australia,* addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.

She spoke for almost an hour on her plans for a Carbon Trading Tax for Australia and it's benefits to the people of the world.

At the conclusion of her speech, the crowd presented her with a plaque* inscribed with her new Indian name - "Walking Eagle".

A very chuffed Julia then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Julia Gillard.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of sh## that it can no longer Fly.

*

*

*