[OT] Jokes page

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Let's see if i got this right!!!


If you cross the north korean border
illegally you get 12 years hard labor.






If you cross the iranian border

illegally you are detained indefinitely.






If you cross the afghan border

illegally, you get shot.






If you cross the saudi arabian border

illegally you will be jailed.






If you cross the chinese border

illegally you may never be heard from again.






If you cross the venezuelan border

illegally you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed.






If you cross the cuban border illegally

you will be thrown into political prison to rot.






If you cross the australian border illegally you get ?

A job, a drivers license,

social security card, welfare,

food stamps, credit cards,

subsidized rent or a loan to buy a house,

free education, free health care,

a lobbyist in canberra billions of dollars worth of public documents printed in your language

the right to carry your country's flag while you

protest that you don't get enough respect

and, in many instances, you can vote.










I just wanted to make sure i had a firm grasp on the situation !!!

[SilverGXL Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close SilverGXL]

hmm........

Oh well off to work to help pay for it all.

[SGS Member Find all posts View Profile Close SGS]

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators (Some English??) during the London Summer Olympics that they might like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

[grandeandy01 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close grandeandy01]

To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

“I'd like to be eight again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror ..

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

“I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!”

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....


'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.


'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

(Wait for it............scroll down.)











'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

[Liftman Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Liftman]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine..
And those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of E. Coli bacteria
found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit..

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service
********************

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

You might not know this...but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. The last one is my favorite!
Here are some examples:


FREEZER BAGS : They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.



PHOTOCOPIERS : These are female, because once turned off....it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES : Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS : Also a male object... Because to get them to go anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their ass.

SPONGES : These are female...because they are soft......squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES : Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS : Definitely male... Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people..

EGG TIMERS : Egg timers are female because....over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS : Male..... Because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL : Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male....but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'


'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!


Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, best Pals.


A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.


The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!) ->

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!

[MidLifeCrisis Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close MidLifeCrisis]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!


Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, best Pals.


A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.


The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!) ->

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!

Gold! (12345)

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

UNIVERSAL LAWS - DO ANY OF THESE SOUND FAMILIAR?

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability-The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Variation Law -If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath- When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters-The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre &The FOOTY Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[Ozpat Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ozpat]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was inTelemarketing; even though he knew he had theorder, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer,he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?"

"You're with theGOVERNMENT.
This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!

[Liftman Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Liftman]

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.

In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into " Olympics".

Just thought I'd share this newfound knowledge with you.

You're very welcome.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to melbourne .

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, 'i'll give it a try and see what it tells me.'

she went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her coin in, out came a card that read, 'you are a nun, you weigh 70kg, and you are going to melbourne .'

the nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again she went back to the machine and again put her coin in, and out came a card that read:

'you are a nun, you weigh 70kg, you are going to melbourne and you are going to play a violin.'

the nun says to herself, 'i know that is wrong - i have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.' she sat back down.

From out of nowhere a man came over and sat down, putting his violin case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the man's case, took out the violin, and started playing beautiful music.

Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, 'this is incredible, i've got to try this again.'

back to the machine she went, put in another coin, and another card came out. It read, 'you are a nun, you weigh 70kg , you are going to melbourne and you are going to break wind.' now she knows the machine is wrong ,as she thought to herself, 'i've never broken wind in public a single time in my life.' but getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.
Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, 'this is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again.'
she went back to the machine,put in another coin and another card came out
it read: 'you are a nun, you weigh 70kg, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to melbourne