[OT] Jokes page

[Liftman Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Liftman]

Birth Control the Irish Way

Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan And
didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'


She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'


The Father asked, 'And be there
Any wee little ones yet?'


She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'


The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week And
I'll light a fertility candle for ye And yer hoosband.'


She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..


Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
Have ye any wee ones yet?'


She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
Ten in all!'


The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'


She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
to blow out yer ***kin' candle.'

[AJ120 Out of control poster! Find all posts View Profile Close AJ120]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed,
You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

Cheers Andrew

[Liftman Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Liftman]

The Talking Centipede
>
>
> A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
>
> So he went to the pet store
> and told the owner
> that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
>
> After some discussion,
> he finally bought a talking centipede,
> (100-legged bug),
> which came in a little white box
> to use for his house.
>
> He took the box back home,
> found a good spot for the box,
> and decided he would start off
> by taking his new pet
> to church with him.
>
> So he asked the centipede in the box,
> "Would you like to go
> to church with me today?
> We will have a good time."
>
> But there was no answer
> from his new pet.
>
> This bothered him a bit,
> but he waited a few minutes
> and then asked again,
> "How about going
> to church with me
> and receive blessings?"
>
> But again,there was no answer
> from his new friend and pet.
> So he waited
> a few minutes more,
> thinking about the situation.
>
> The guy decided
> to invite the centipede
> one last time.
>
> This time he
> put his face up against
> the centipede's house and shouted,
> "Hey, in there!
> Would you like to go
> to church with me and learn about God?"
> .....
> +
> YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ......
>
>
> This time,
> a little voice
> came out of the box,
>
> "I heard you the first time!
> I'm putting my shoes on!"

[Smithy - 120 D4D Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Smithy - 120 D4D]

Mating Call


Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............





You'll like this








NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line.
She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back.

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
We are all familiar with a

Herd of cows,

Flock of chickens,

School of fish

And a Gaggle of geese, and


A Pride of lions.


However, less widely known is:
A Murder of crows

(as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),

An Exaltation of doves


And, presumably because they look so wise:
A Congress of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.........

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?





Believe it or not ……. A Parliament






YEP....A PARLIAMENT OF BABOONS!
Pretty much explains everything doesn't it?

..........
You just can’t make this stuff up.

[KIMBOPRADO Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close KIMBOPRADO]

What do you call a group of druggies?A Hird

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

Getting old can be funny


An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.. He went to the doctor
and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
three times!'




Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old
now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How
do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet myself.'




An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a
new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very
highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of
that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen
and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
night?'




I love this one!
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he sa id. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown.'




Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but
they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
asks 'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'




A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse..'
'Well, then, is she loving'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'




Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a drink..'




A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'




Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;
be careful.'

[Liftman Lurker Find all posts View Profile Close Liftman]

What the Fire Commander Said! Priceless!

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
Not fair to make judgement of this, until you see what the Fire Commander says!!


In South Auckland, a 4-flat property was destroyed by a fire.





A Samoan family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the first floor. They died.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Pakistan, lived on the second floor. They, too, all perished.
Six Black Power & ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor. They, too, died.
A white couple lived on the top floor.
The couple survived the fire.

Hone Harawira, Tariana Turia and Pita Sharples were furious!!
They flew into Auckland and met with the fire commander.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why Samoan, Muslims and Black Power people all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived?



The Fire Commander said, "They were at work."

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a $150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
"Stone me!" exclaims her hubby. "It wasn't that creased in the shop!"


His funeral is on Thursday

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Irish Sugar Test
One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and
takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some whiskey onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid
around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.
"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?

Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

[spara Advanced Member Find all posts View Profile Close spara]

Phone rings, woman answers.

The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching the football - who shall I say is calling?"

[Jon Avid PP Poster! Find all posts View Profile Close Jon]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing.

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked
"
We peered at the patient.. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . Just . . . Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . ..
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . Its.. . Teeny little . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50..

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

[paulyc Member Find all posts View Profile Close paulyc]

On Friday, A hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag.

As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.
Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot & killed her also.


Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.

Then, one old Australian named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said,


"My wife got a pretty good look at you !!!!."